ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
