How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
