I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we made out on top of his cat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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