she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
