ya dads aren't the best wingmen
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
