How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
