Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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