Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My cat gives me a boner
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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