Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
