My underwear smells like fireworks.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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