Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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