Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
