i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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