dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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