He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
