Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
