If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
