This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
