Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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