I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
