Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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