He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize