i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
