he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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