why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
