I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
