Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
