I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
