i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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