You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
