My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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