i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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