before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
