There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just threw up on my dentist
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
