he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
