Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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