She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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