I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You've changed since you got that strap on
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize