I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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