Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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