ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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