Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
