ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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