hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
