Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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