Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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