My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
How's work?
Spinning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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