can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
