just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
