I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
