I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
