i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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