woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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