Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh god it's open bar.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
