fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize