I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my shit smells like andre
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
