i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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