So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
