Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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