dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
