I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
