Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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