you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
