You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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