my sisters under your porch take her home
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
