Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Floor bacon is actually really good
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize